Today, I have no subject to discuss.. but more many subjects. I will do my best to not come off as complaining. I'm tired. I've noticed the past few days that I have been looking everywhere other than God for my "needs." I've felt this uncomfortable void inside of me and I've pushed away from getting down on my knees and had thought that nothing in the Bible can help my with this down mood. It's a tough situation. The guilt also comes in that the majority of the world is far worse off than I could even imagine being. So, soul.. why are you down?
I struggle so much with feeling and believing that God really does love me. I'll even be more honest and say at times the question comes into my head, "Even if God does love me, why is this supposed to be important for my life?" I would guess many of you have thought the same way. Now, I don't want to bring any of you down with a "sad" blog entry. My duty [i feel] is to encourage you through my blog. I'm sure someone is encouraged that they are not the only person who gets upset for no reason. I have learned many things from my mom and one of them is, it's okay to be upset.
The tough part for me with emotions is that, I don't know how to deal with them all of the time. This is something my therapist and I have been discussing. If I get into a bad mood, it is all over, I don't know how to think or make rational decisions. I've also realized I don't know how to deal with positive emotions all of the time either. Sounds kind of funny to say out loud. Recently I've had a couple of situations where I was so excited, I found myself calling my mother and asking, "Is it okay to be THIS excited about that?" We both laughed about that question.
I will also add that part of the reason why I have been upset is that I am confused about something. I am pretty sure I know a little bit about the direction of at least the next year of my life. Just when I started to see that, the country of Estonia comes to mind. Every time I pray, worship, listen to a sermon, read, etc. it blocks any other thoughts. I understand that I am a missions driven person. But for the first time [in a long time] I am excited about what God has in store in America, at least for now.
I believe one important thing for me to do right now is not make any decisions on Estonia. I've made mistakes in my past that have brought me down because I made a decision while I was emotionally fired up. If you are a person like me whom loves to be "moved" emotionally, [Examples: a good emotional movie, or a great emotional book would be something that interest you] then this could be a big help for you and I. TRY and not make "life" decisions when all you feel is emotions about it.
I am learning and would like to continue to learn to be intentional about things, relationships, love, work, discipleship, etc. because I know I already have strong emotions about things. I am hoping that together, intentionality and emotions, more practical decisions can be made in my life. So, before I begin to go in a circle with this blog post I will end it there.
Would you keep me in your prayers if you happen to think of me? My prayer with this blog post is that we can be more intentional, as Christians, with our love and words. It is always a choice to choose to love someone, just as God chose to love us. And because God first loved us we may go and love others the same. Thanks for your time, I don't deserve for people to hear my thoughts, and I am so thankful that I get to share. I love you guys!
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